So I'm a little unhappy at the moment, so some thoughts might be slightly negative. I'm okay, don't worry. I just need to see my thoughts up here.
I'm not going to lie; I know people are reading my entries, but I'm really starting to doubt that considering only two of my entries have ever been commented on. I'm sorry if I'm boring and I'm sorry I'm not always on; I do read your posts and I try to comment, but I'm beginning to doubt the point of it.
I have been busy and that is the truth.
I'm upset right now because I guess I've had the "wonderful" revelation that I kinda hold the title of "child that is only wanted when needed." Either my mom passed me the legacy from her generation or she decided that the fourth and youngest should not only have had to fend for herself most of her life, but also bear having to be constantly reminded that I'm always going to be ignored and pushed to the side because I'm just not important.
I give my sister credit, she just went through a rough time with blood pressure and having an emergency C section, but I'm being treated as though I'm kind of the background assistant; my mom didn't even ask me or anything when she threw me under the bus as being the sole one responsible for completing the semester for my sister.
My mom does that a lot, actually and it's quite annoying.
My mom apologized for not spending time with me what with my sister being in and out and all around...and then proceeded to ignore me the same day when I was trying to talk to her about what's going on in my life...when she had asked me what was going on in my life.
I understand that my sister hasn't been dealt the best set of cards...she has Asperger's (a mild form; she is fully capable of handling herself in society), she's been ridiculed most of her life (my dad has contributed to that as well), and that she just had a rough pregnancy.
I don't know how many times I've been told I don't matter or that I'm not as important as her. It just really bothers me now because I feel like I wasted my childhood trying to please two people who really didn't care about me at all.
I love my sister dearly and I really want to see my niece, but I'm tired of feeling like something that's only around when it's needed and not when it's wanted.
My mother was even foolish enough to let my half brother get slapped by my dad just because she was stupid enough to make choices to stay with this man. Sure, if he had not have been around, I wouldn't be here, but life would have been wonderful if he'd have disappeared after birth.
I got screamed at the day my sister went in the hospital; apparently, a broke college student is stupid for not buying pants, even if said student has no money whatsoever. Apparently, it's so hard to be a grandparent that I deserve to get screamed at to make it clear that I should never have kids. Because it's too fucking hard.
I've cried a little bit over this honestly and it's more from exhaustion than the sheer weight of it all.
I have friends and a fiance who love me very much. I have a sister who looks up to me. I have a brother who has served as my mentor and role model for most of my life.
I don't need two shitty people to put me down. I don't care if they brought me into this existence or not. I don't need people who treat me that way.
Besides, I have a job. I have my schooling that starts again this fall. I won't have time for them. I won't have time to do their chores or their bidding. I won't have time to do someone else' homework. I won't have time to cater to the needs of two full grown adults who don't want to do it themselves.
I'm tired of pleasing people only to get emotionally screwed over in the end. It's not fair.
I'm not doing anything for anyone but myself. They don't have to like it. I can do what I want.