Stardusk Fall

Ramblings, Quirks, News, Humor

Mopy McMopenstein
calicojen2491
So I'm a little unhappy at the moment, so some thoughts might be slightly negative. I'm okay, don't worry. I just need to see my thoughts up here.

I'm not going to lie; I know people are reading my entries, but I'm really starting to doubt that considering only two of my entries have ever been commented on. I'm sorry if I'm boring and I'm sorry I'm not always on; I do read your posts and I try to comment, but I'm beginning to doubt the point of it.

I have been busy and that is the truth.

I'm upset right now because I guess I've had the "wonderful" revelation that I kinda hold the title of "child that is only wanted when needed." Either my mom passed me the legacy from her generation or she decided that the fourth and youngest should not only have had to fend for herself most of her life, but also bear having to be constantly reminded that I'm always going to be ignored and pushed to the side because I'm just not important.

I give my sister credit, she just went through a rough time with blood pressure and having an emergency C section, but I'm being treated as though I'm kind of the background assistant; my mom didn't even ask me or anything when she threw me under the bus as being the sole one responsible for completing the semester for my sister.

My mom does that a lot, actually and it's quite annoying.

My mom apologized for not spending time with me what with my sister being in and out and all around...and then proceeded to ignore me the same day when I was trying to talk to her about what's going on in my life...when she had asked me what was going on in my life.

I understand that my sister hasn't been dealt the best set of cards...she has Asperger's (a mild form; she is fully capable of handling herself in society), she's been ridiculed most of her life (my dad has contributed to that as well), and that she just had a rough pregnancy.

I don't know how many times I've been told I don't matter or that I'm not as important as her. It just really bothers me now because I feel like I wasted my childhood trying to please two people who really didn't care about me at all.

I love my sister dearly and I really want to see my niece, but I'm tired of feeling like something that's only around when it's needed and not when it's wanted.

My mother was even foolish enough to let my half brother get slapped by my dad just because she was stupid enough to make choices to stay with this man. Sure, if he had not have been around, I wouldn't be here, but life would have been wonderful if he'd have disappeared after birth.

I got screamed at the day my sister went in the hospital; apparently, a broke college student is stupid for not buying pants, even if said student has no money whatsoever. Apparently, it's so hard to be a grandparent that I deserve to get screamed at to make it clear that I should never have kids. Because it's too fucking hard.

I've cried a little bit over this honestly and it's more from exhaustion than the sheer weight of it all.

I have friends and a fiance who love me very much. I have a sister who looks up to me. I have a brother who has served as my mentor and role model for most of my life.

I don't need two shitty people to put me down. I don't care if they brought me into this existence or not. I don't need people who treat me that way.

Besides, I have a job. I have my schooling that starts again this fall. I won't have time for them. I won't have time to do their chores or their bidding. I won't have time to do someone else' homework. I won't have time to cater to the needs of two full grown adults who don't want to do it themselves.

I'm tired of pleasing people only to get emotionally screwed over in the end. It's not fair.

I'm not doing anything for anyone but myself. They don't have to like it. I can do what I want.

Finally, back!
calicojen2491
So life got interesting in the last couple of weeks and I was sadly unable to post about it...but now I have the free time! ...In which I should be sleeping. Oh well!

1. My sister had her baby through emergency C-Section because of preclempsia. I'm pretty sure that's spelled wrong, but I don't care. She's fine, the baby is fine (I have yet to see it, which makes me kinda sad). The baby is only 3.5 pounds, but she is very healthy. Her name is Juliette Nicole and she has jet black hair. I guess it's time to step up to being an Aunty and get ready to spoil the little girl.

2. I got a better job in retail! Bye bye, crappy restaurant. I do miss it, but I really do like my new job. I actually don't mind working eight, nine hour shifts. I'm finally making enough to break bank on some bills.

3. I will FINALLY be able to fix my computer...I really want to play WoW, but my computer was dumping physical memory, so I will have to spend about $200, but it will be so worth it in the end to finally have a properly running computer.

Other than that, I've been busy with the weird, new work schedule. I'm really hoping I get my health benefits soon; I need to see a dentist. I've been having a toothache for years in the same tooth (only once in a while and I've been dentist confirmed many times that I don't have any cavities) so we'll see what's going on there. It's been years since my last dental visit. My teeth are also getting more crooked...but the important things will come first.

I also really want to see if my knees are hurting just because of my weight...I'm really hoping it's something it's something else, but that's also a bad thing...ugh.

I finally got rid of a headache that was lasting over a week...all over a stupid rain storm that happened today. Go figure, right?

I love rain. It's putting me in a good mood. Sure, working at six this morning is going to suck, but oh well.

I will finally be taking the pic this week that will be my userpic...so if I don't get around to it, poke me because that empty square bothers me.

I'm excited to be an Aunty; I'll be excited when she's older so I can "cooperate" in raising her ;-) I promise, nothing horrible...I just don't want her growing up without listening to some classic rock or watching awesome cartoons that we all used to enjoy.

Anyways, I've been reading your posts and I'm so sorry I haven't been on, but I'm back and I hope that all of you have a wonderful rest of your day or whatever time of day you may be occupying. :-)


(no subject)
calicojen2491
I'm feeling a little bothered by a few things and I'm also in a rambling mood, so excuse me...

1. (Yes, sorting things into lists helps me) I had an awkward dream the other night. I told Adam about it, but I still feel bothered by it. Like there's something unresolved and I can't quite figure it out. Here's how it goes:
    The location is not important, but I was in some strange bedroom with this humongous canopy bed (it looked like it belonged to a giant). Anyways. The setting was always changing between this room and my grandma's house. There were tons of people there, but no one was noticing...like they didn't even see what was going on. My friend (who lives in NC) was in the dream. The entire time, he was trying to touch me and I kept saying no. At one point, he had his hands down my shirt and my clothes were just falling off like they we're millions of sizes too big. I got up and went to leave, but he kept following me. I got woken up by something, but that's pretty much the dream. I was saying stuff like, "I'm taken," or "You shouldn't be doing that." I kept getting stuff like, "I don't care." My boyfriend believes that dreams are only visuals of what you think about the day before or whatever pops into your head, but I don't believe that. I wasn't thinking about anything of that sort before bed. So I'm hoping maybe someone can tell me what this might mean?

2. Sometimes, I don't feel like I'm engaged. I feel like we're still dating. I feel...boring/bored, unenthused...like something is missing. Sure, there's sex and sure, we go out on dates and do stuff together...and the house gets cleaned and all...but it just doesn't feel right.
Lately, I come home and I feel like I don't get noticed. Sure, he'll say hi, but it feels like his computer is more important. I don't feel like I'm anticipated coming home. I'm told I'm missed and all that when I'm away, but I just don't feel like I really am at times...sorta like he does care about me and all (I mean hell, he proposed to me), but sometimes I just feel like lately, I'm not interesting or like he's just more concerned about his stupid computer games and his stupid online friends.
  I know, I bitch about work a lot and I hate that I do, but even when I'm not, we still don't really talk. Even when we go out to dinner, we don't always talk. It's usually about League of Legends or something game related. I like that we're both into games, but can't we talk about other stuff? We don't talk about our financial situation because we're currently stressed about that, but we don't talk about anything romantic, we don't talk about work most of the time, we don't talk about anything but the same shit.
  He doesn't even socialize. His idea of socializing is staying home and talking to the same friend via computer while playing the same stupid game all day long. I try to get him out and whatnot, but he won't have it. He'd rather stay home. I don't like to force people, but I really wish he'd actually get out of the house and quit hibernating. He has coworkers who'd like to hang out with him. Hell, our group of friends would actually appreciate it if he'd visit more. I try to bring this up, but all I get is, "I know, but blah blah blah I am who I am." Fuck that. (Excuse my language, I'm just a tad bit irritated today). I've been changing for everyone else...trying to lose weight, trying to speak out more...and the one guy who's pushing me to do it is being a freaking hypocrite. I'm tired of it.

3. I become an Auntie in two months and I'm still getting comments about how my sister shouldn't be having a kid. Yes, I know, she has Asperger's and her boyfriend is not completely there, but they're human. It happens. I'm tired of hearing about how that's not acceptable and how they should have terminated the pregnancy and had her tubes tied since she was 13. It's her life. She has every right to live. She was always made fun of for who she was. She never got the same chances I did at life. Why not let her do her thing? So what if she's not exactly fit to be mom? My mom is devoted to spending night and day to help her do this, even though she's older now and not so able to do everything. At least she cares. At least she's there to help.

4. I finally got a call for an interview tomorrow and I hope it goes well. I really need this job; bills are a little out of hand and I would like to finally be able to afford health insurance. I don't want to have it for free; screw that. Well, I'm going to relax for the rest of the evening; probably devote my time to another Minecraft expedition. Have a good night, everybody.

Two days in One Turn
calicojen2491
I had a really good day yesterday and I forgot to post about it, so today is two days in one! How exciting! Not really lol

So yesterday I got a call from a job I had just applied for a few days ago and I have an interview on Friday! Then, when I went to go turn in my rent, my landlord (well, more like the assistant manager of my complex) said I have a package. I got my diploma in the mail! Then, I had to go check the mail and I got my new Driver's License in the mail! Totally score!

As for today, I'm still really exhausted. I've been up since four (yes, I took a nap, but my stupid dog fails at being a guard dog >.<).

I had to be the boss today at work. I did a pretty good job. Sure, I'm cranky as heck because I'm tired, but my current boss in a way told me I'm the man :-D

I'll post more about what exactly happened tomorrow; it's taco night in every sense and I'm getting it on! Real tacos for dinner and Choco Tacos for dessert! Laters!




Back in the Doldrums
calicojen2491
I really do apologize for not being present; I got sick recently :-( It's the flu or something...something that's been going around and it turns out that I'd been coming down with it for the last two weeks :-/

I promise, I've been reading posts, but my computer time has been short-lived recently...I have zero focus when I'm sick...even watching television becomes difficult for me.

The point of this post is not for me to apologize for my absence... I have something I need direction with...

So I made a Tumblr. I don't know how this is related to what I'm talking about, but I'm sick, so anything goes.

My brother was talking to me earlier about me getting a degree in Culinary Arts. I said that partly it's because I want to open a restaurant and having that advantage would be nice...knowing how to cook. Personally, I just want to be a better cook. Maybe someday meet Gordon Ramsey in Hell and have him decide if I'm worthy or not.

He pointed out that not every cook who's gone to the top has a degree. Even then, most of them aren't making any money.

In fact, most people these days are working jobs that have nothing to do with their degrees.

He wasn't trying to discourage me, but it did get me to think a bit.

I know I get these fanciful ideas in my head of all the things I want to and be, but sometimes I feel like I pick the easiest or dumbest (or both) of those thoughts and run with them like the wind. Then, when I get to the end of the road (which is nowhere), I try to find a way to make an excuse out of it.

Maybe I'm just lost as to who I really am and what I really want to become.

I'm just not sure who I am anymore and I think that my LJ is certain proof of that. I feel like my posts are boring to read and have nothing really specific or special about them...

I don't know where to go from this point, to be honest. I really do want to be a teacher, I just don't want to attend the four year where I live just because of cost...I'm already broke as it is. I'm hoping that my financial award determined by the FAFSA is decent...I'm refusing to pull out any loans for the rest of my education. I had loans placed in my name for the last two years and I was not happy about it...sadly, though, the money did help me when I had none for rent :-(

I'm also bitter because I didn't get the degree I "graduated" for in December...which makes me mad.

The girl I graduated with had a GPA lesser than mine (2.9) and also got a D. I got a D, had a 3.5 GPA. She got her diploma. I didn't? Why?

I really don't want to retake the class, but I think that this summer I might as well take it quietly so that I can still have the dignity of my family being appreciative that I got my first degree...even if it was a few months later than said >.>

I got a D in math...a class I've never done well in. I could have passed the final if I wasn't missing my graphing calculator that could do the sin functions @-@

I guess what I'm getting to is that I feel like part of me gave up this last semester and now I'm feeling pressure because I have no idea about what to do anymore...maybe I should finally bear and grin it...go to the four year and go for the degree I really want. Maybe I should go back this summer, get that class again, and actually get to present said diploma to everyone I know. I'm lucky no one has asked me to show it to them. I would hate to have to explain that one >>

I would appreciate any insight or anything anyone has to say...I'm at a crossroads and I'm not sure where else to go...I have an idea in mind and it's somewhat set, but I just feel like I need to find an identity because the one I'm trying to hold together is too fragile to keep holding on to.

Oops, still don't have a userpic :-P
calicojen2491
I love macademia nut cookies...I think they're the best. They don't beat out Oatmeal Scotchies, but they're still comforting. Now if only my love for them would make me sleep during the night and not feel sick...that would be great right now.

This is the third day in a row that I haven't gotten any sleep...I don't really feel tired, but it's certainly screwing with me. I woke up sick this morning and my coworker teased me about going home. I stuck it out; that's what you do when you really need the money.

I'm supposed to go job hunting today up and down one of the busy streets chock full of businesses that I live by, but I might use the time instead to get a little rest (I've actually been feeling sick for a while; it's progressively and yet very slowly getting worse each day).

My sister has finally told everyone about her baby; some people aren't that happy about it, but they can go suck a juice box. My dad's sister tried to say that my sister isn't following her life plan very well and that it's wrong that she didn't wait for her life to line up. Well, if that was supposed to be the case, then wouldn't life just be so much easier and boring? You'd have nothing to look forward to or be surprised by. So what if my sister has a kid and never gets to have a career? She still has the rest of her life to do other things; having a kid doesn't always completely lock down any possibilities that might also be available.

I've begun reading an MSPaint Adventure called Homestuck...it is very weird, but I somehow keep going back to read it. I'm only in to about Act 5, but I know I still have a super long way to go >.<

My Minecraft journeys have been rather successful...when my computer wasn't deleting all of my progress. But now that my computer is fixed, I have all the time in the world to create amazing buildings to my heart's content and envision a realm I could possibly imagine in an RPG or a story of my choosing. Or just a story I make up. Thank goodness for creative mood on peaceful...I don't need Creeps blowing up my creations.


I really want to quit waiting tables at my work. It's not making me the money I need to pay bills (which is also why I'm looking for another job). That and I'm tired of being screwed over by the business. I had a manager (who looped around it but basically admitted it in a way) who pretty much told me that he can't screw anybody over, yet it's my job to take the fall for everyone else and do it because no one else will and they don't want to force anyone else. Really? So then why not stop trying to kiss their ass all the time and make them work? Is that so hard?

Whatever. I hope I land a better job. A friend of mine managed to get hired into the same company as my fiance; I won't be able to work at the same location, but I could at least have him help me with the questionaire so I have a chance. Same thing with a few other places I already tried.

I'm supposed to go to the casino with my brother and my Aunt this month...I hope I have enough money when we go so that way I'm not having to borrow money or having to say sorry about not being able to go. We'll see. Maybe I should keep a positive move, do some wishing, and win some money. That sure would help with the bills right now.


I feel really bad for my fiance; he's taking out all these loans just to cover us and all I can do is give him my measly 400 I make a month for rent. I feel downright pathetic with how much I'm earning. Yet I feel worse about the fact that he makes 1200 a month and it all goes to bills. Ugh. Money is the root of ridiculousness.

I just want a better job so I can start supporting with the bills more; I hate not being able to help.

Idk; we'll have to see how it goes and hope for the best.

Back in the NY Groove
calicojen2491
So I'm proud to announce that I finally have a working computer again! Yay! It just means I need to redownload WoW, Norton (because Avast actually does suck compared to Norton; and I don't care if you think Avast is better...just because it's free doesn't mean it's good for you!)

I get Norton free for being a member of Comcast :-P It's nice. I like my computer actually being protected. Avast tries to tell me that files I've downloaded from a safe site (proven) are full of viruses.

I now feel as though my computer runs a lot smoother, which is nice. Still, I have stuff to put back on here, but that's no big deal.

I haven't slept for two days, but my friend gave me something that should hopefully let me sleep.

I'm looking for a new job; the current one doesn't pay enough and the stress from it is just not worth it. I would really like to quit now, but I keep being advised against it.

Waiting tables has actually been earning me less money...the only reason I'm opening the store on Tuesdays is because we hardly get morning business; the waitress who used to do it is allowed to do whatever she wants and is allowed to get out of doing what she doesn't want to do. Must be nice.

I'm sorry I don't have a lot to talk about tonight; I'm a little preoccupied.

Hope everyone has a good night and I will be back on here tomorrow with something hopefully more exciting!

(no subject)
calicojen2491
Hi, sorry for not being on in such a while...I got a bit caught up. That and my computer keeps freaking out...I've been attempting to post this for about a few days now and I'm having to race against my computer trying to blue screen on me...or become completely unresponsive ><

But I am here now, so it's all good.

I had to open at 5:30 this morning...I'm not the one supposed to be opening, but that's what happens when people are lazy and don't feel like doing their job anymore. Must be nice to throw someone else into the pit.

I'm hoping this is the last time I get asked...if not, I'm going to say no. All of my other coworkers who wait tables keep telling me to say no, but how can you say no to doing something for the boss when everyone else has already said no? Especially the one person who only works two days a week? She may be avoiding the ridiculous complexities of the system, but she's not making a lot of money doing so.

We finally fired this one guy this last weekend...he was just a waste of space. But instead of hiring the guy who really needs a job and would work his ass off, my boss is trying to save money...and hire girls with pretty faces who don't know what they're doing. Really good move.

I go to Colorado this Thursday...I'm excited, yet I'm not. It's more for having four days of vacation...as opposed to losing money from not being at work, having to be with my dad, and dealing with snow. Oh well.

I found out that when my sister has her baby in April, I'm going to have a niece. I was hoping for a boy, but you can't win them all. That's okay, I will be buying black onesies ;-)

Don't get me wrong, it's okay to be girly, but I find that restricting babies to simply pink is just ridiculous. Thank goodness for modern times.

My head kinda hurts right now...just got back from doing a Valentine's hot tub thing with friends. No, we weren't naked. No, we weren't drinking. It was just all of us being goofy and loud eating pizza and drinking soda. It was nice, considering I won't be seeing most of them until next week when I get back from Colorado.

I gotta do some laundry tomorrow before I head to my mom's so that we can all travel together on Thursday morning. I was supposed to do it today, but I was so exhausted that I had a four/five hour nap...it wasn't exactly a full nap, what with the dog being obnoxious and my friends coming over to do their Valentine's surprises, but it was sleep nonetheless.

Might possibly be getting a roommate in the future...we'll see. It will definitely be crowded here.

I'm going to go for the night; I've got other things to do and I need to catch up on everyone's posts. Hope everyone has a good evening.

Manic Sunday
calicojen2491
So I know that I haven't been on in a few days or so...life kinda got a hold of me there.

Okay, to be truthful, I was also mostly on Minecraft and WoW when I had a free second.

I'm so frustrated with Adam's dog...he never listens and no matter how hard I try to train him, Adam sits there on the computer and ignores the dog...unless the dog is chewing on his computer cords or eating his food -.-

He's not even my dog and I'm getting sick and tired of taking care of him like he is. I'm not a dog person and I have been actually wanting a second dog (but finances say otherwise), but how can I get another one if he's not onboard with helping me out with his dog?

I hate to complain, but he'll sit on the computer and not take out his dog all day. I've been cleaning the floors ever since we've moved in here because of this dog and I'm getting so tired of it. I do love Adam and I occasionally like Gus, but I have had enough.


I just got home from work about fifteen minutes ago...my feet hurt and I'm tired, but I have 65 in my pocket. I'm just so irritated with the way my work is.

I'm supposed to be going up to Colorado on the sixteenth...I'll see if I can take the laptop in case I do anything exciting. That way, I'll finally have worthy lj posts that people can read lol

Well, I really wish I had something more interesting, but I'm so tired right now that rehashing what actually happened over the last few days would require more brain power than I can muster at the moment.

He's Back :0)
calicojen2491
I got to pick up Adam from the airport today. I couldn't help but smile when I saw that cheesy smile of his. And I got my ring :-)

I'm more excited about him being back...I got so lonely and paranoid when he was gone. My friend blew my cover >.> I was trying to act macho, to tell the truth. Of course, when you don't inform the other party when you're trying to pull the wool, then things just never work...

My sister was over until yesterday close to noon...I'm already kind of sad that she left...kinda sad as in you go on and go about your day...I just feel like the old life I used to have before life actually happened is something I kind of miss.

But don't we all?

My mom came in to talk to me and I guess I'm going to Colorado after all, even though it puts a dent in my pay for that month. Oh well, at least I have a few more places to attempt applying at. If my job paid better than my current one, I wouldn't mind. But struggling at 7.50 for less than 14 hours a week sucks. It really sucks.

She's trying to convince me to give up my old man...my cat Licorice, you sicko; I don't hide old people in my closet...she says my dad needs a companion and that he's not a dog person...so should I have to give up one of my loves to make someone happy? Just because this one person who I've never really seen eye to eye with (especially with how he treats people) is lonely and doesn't want dogs? Licorice is old...as in I'm not sure how old he is kind of old...as in I'm clueless as to whether he'll die soon or in the next year...or if he'll be happy for another five years. It's hard to tell.

That and this cat needs constant attention...my dad can't provide that.



Ain't he precious?

He loves to sleep by my head at night. He loves to eat Ramen and bread. He also likes to take hour long naps and cuddle when the television is on. He likes to hog computer chairs and chairs in general. And if you don't feed him when he's hungry, which is always, he will follow you around the house until you do feed him. He still follows you after you feed him, but he's just more annoying when he's hungry.

Well, this post has been all over the place...I apologize for that, I'm really tired. In fact, I've been super tired lately. Anyways, everyone have a good evening.

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